~this image is to represent possibly triggering pages. take care of yourself as you look through these pages ~Clutch of Depression
By Diana
Minny Ashdown, is fourteen years old. She has been suffering from depression for almost two years already. Minny is diagnosed with Bi-Polar II Depression. That means that she has many "up and down" periods with her depression. She was diagnosed at twelve years old. Most people don't get the help until they are a bit older, but there are a few like Minny. Anyway, if her mother sees that Minny is a hazard to herself, or if she needs serious help, her mother can admit her to the hospital. Of course, Minny does not like it, but her mother always said, "It's for your own good." And Minny has no say, because she's not legally an adult.
Minny does have a younger brother and he is a real pest sometimes, but he is a nice guy. His name is John and he is seven. He is named after their uncle. But eight years ago, their Uncle John committed suicide. Minny really doesn't like that name, because it reminds her of Uncle John.
Minny's mother, Wendy, is 30 and she left her husband just after John was born. Minny's father doesn't give her mother child support and she is always arguing with him on the phone. Minny's mother was very young when she had Minny, only 16 years of age. Minny's father doesn't believe that anyone as young as Minny could have depression. He thinks she is doing it just to get the attention from him. Minny does not like her father one bit. He was always drinking when he was at home and he never even tried to get a job. He didn't even want to get assistance. So Wendy went out and she found work and supported the three of them.
Then, there are Minny's kittens. They are the only things that keep getting Minny up in the morning. She has the responsibility to feed them and take care of them. But when Minny is in the hospital, Wendy and John help out.
"Minny, can you come over here and take John out of my hair?" Wendy calls out.
"OK mom," Minny replied, getting up from her chair in the living room. "John, what were you doing to mom?"
"Nothing," he replied. "I just wanted to have some cookies."
"Mom will tell you when you can. You don't have to be such a pest."
Minny led John over to the TV to watch some cartoons. That kept him occupied.
Minny left John watching TV and went up to her room. She just needed to get away from everyone for a little bit. At times, Minny just can't stand John and the way he acts towards his mother. Often Minny just wished that her mother never had John.
Minny closes her door to the family and she turns on the radio to get her to listening to something else. Minny can tell that she is feeling really down. Minny doesn't want to do anything and that is how it has been these last few days. She tried to work on her homework from school, but that looked like a foreign language to her. Minny can't concentrate on anything and she knows that she is not like a normal teenager. She sees her life as being all screwed up. She sees no point in living anymore.
Minny decided to take an exacto-knife from the cupboard in the bathroom, and try something. She just needed to get rid of some of this pain that is building up inside of her. To her, it seems no one can understand what she has gone through. No one. Not even her doctors.
Minny began to scream, "I want to die. I hate my life."
The knife was cutting through the skin on her wrist. She sees the blood, but the thing is, she doesn't feel the pain. But she does feel the pain from her everyday life.
"I think I heard my mom call me," thought Minny, "but I just don't want to move from my bed. Instead, I am just cutting more and more. What is the matter with me? Why can't I stop cutting myself?"
Wendy walked into Minny's room and said, "Honey, there are some -" She stopped in mid-sentence. She regained some of her composure and said, "Minny, please stop. Please don't hurt yourself."
"Mom, I can't. I just hate my life so much. I don't want to be here."
"John," Wendy yelled down the stairs. "John, call the hospital and tell them that we are coming right now." With that Wendy picked Minny up and takes her down the stairs. John is on the phone and when he looks over his shoulder to see her, he dropped the phone.
He picked the phone back up and said, "We are coming right now. She is bleeding." And he hung up the phone and was out the door.
Wendy put Minny into the car and Wendy tried to take the knife from her, but Minny just held on to it even tighter.
Wendy got into the car and she drove as fast as she could to the hospital without getting into an accident herself.
Minny couldn't remember what all happened next. Minny was placed into a room and there was a security officer at the door. He watched her every move. Wendy and John were somewhere but Minny didn't know where. After a while Minny figured out that she was at the hospital.
"I hate it in here. I have never been in this room before. It is padded and very ugly. I just want to go home, and curl up and die," Minny thought.
Wendy and Dr. Heaton came and walked through the door. Wendy's eyes are all teary and she said:
"Honey, I am doing this for your good. May be this treatment will help you. I will come and see you as often as I can, but I am not saying that I am going to come every day and be with you. You know that I love you, don't you?"
"Yes, mom I do, but what are you talking about? What kind of a treatment does Dr. Heaton have for me this time?"
"I'm sorry, honey. I just have to go." And with that Wendy walked out of the room.
"Minny," Dr. Heaton began, "Your mom and I were talking and we think we might have a possible treatment for you. Have you ever heard of ECT's?"
"No," I replied.
"Well, an ECT treatment is when I, the doctor in charge, gives a patient an electrical shock to the head. You will be given some medication to sleep and relax your muscles. You won't even feel a thing. There have been studies where ECT's have been successful in helping someone's depression, and making him or her feels better. Does that make sense, Minny?"
"I think so," mumbled Minny.
"We will also have to put you into the psychiatric ward, with other patients. You were lucky before, because your mother always talked me out of putting you there. But this time she just wants what is the best for you."
"But that ward is for crazy people," I said. "And I am not crazy, I am just sad all the time."
"Minny, the psychiatric ward is for people with depression too. And there is no one there who is crazy; they just need help like you do. OK?"
Dr. Heaton stood up, "Minny come with me and Jeff, and we'll show you the ward." With that Jeff, the security officer stood up. Minny followed.
They walked down a bunch of corridors and they all looked the same to Minny. They went this way and that way, but they finally got to the ward.
A nurse came up to them and asked, "Is this the Minny that we have been waiting for?"
Minny didn't reply. Minny just wanted to be at home in her own bed.
"Yes, she is," replied Dr. Heaton. Turning to look at Minny, he said, "Minny, this is Jen and she will be your nurse for the rest of today."
Minny just nodded. She didn't say anything to him or anyone else. Minny just wanted to be left alone.
Dr. Heaton turned back to the nurse and said, "I will be back tomorrow morning to see how she is." He turned and walked down those same corridors that they just came from earlier.
"Minny," Jen began, "this will be your room right up ahead. How about it if we all go in there and get to know one another better?"
"No!" Minny yelled and turned, and was about to run when Jeff had a hold of her right arm. She did not want to be there. Jeff turned her back around and gently pushed her to the room behind the nurse's station.
"Thank you, Jeff. It is a good thing you didn't leave yet. You might have to stay here a while longer. We do have a sitter coming on at eight, but that is still another few hours. Do you mind if you stay here?" asked Jen.
"No, I don't mind at all," replied Jeff. "I'll just tell the boss that we have a potential runner here. He'll understand."
"Good," replied Jen. Turning toward Minny, she said, "How are you doing?"
"Like shit and I want to go home," Minny replied, spitting into nurse's face.
Minny didn't want to be there. She just wanted to go home and live her life with no one being concerned about her. Minny hated all hospitals. She had been going to the hospitals for everything. And it doesn't help that she is accident-prone and anything that might happen will happen to her. In the past, she was driven over a bridge, suffocated by her father and all kinds of things like that. She thought that knowing every doctor and nurse in town was normal, until she went to school and found that hardly anyone knew their doctor's first name. Everyone in the town knew Minny and her family.
But this was Minny's first time in the psychiatric ward of the hospital and it was spooky to her. She heard a lot of yelling and she didn't know where it was coming from. And with being stuck behind the Nurse's station, she couldn't even leave her room. Minny wanted some privacy but this Jeff guy would not leave her alone. She wanted to curl up and die.
"Just leave me alone. Everyone just leave me alone. I hate my life and I hate it here and I want to go home and just die," Minny yelled. She was crying and she didn't want to sit down. Jeff was trying to hold her down and she kept fighting him and Jen off.
"Just leave me alone!" she yelled at no one in particular.
Minny turned and ran. She ran out her room and kept running. She ran to the door to the main hospital but it was locked. She wanted to get outside. She just wanted to be left alone. Jen, Jeff and two other security officers came and grabbed a hold of her.
They took Minny back to her room and was striped and put into hospital clothing. They wanted to stop her from running, but she didn't want to stop. Minny was put into restraints for the rest of the afternoon.
About three or four hours later, Jeff was still watching Minny and taking notes. When Jen walked in with another doctor by the name of Dr. King.
Dr. King began, "Hello Minny. I hear that you don't want to be here, is that right?"
"I don't think I have to answer that one, do I? I just want to go home and die."
"Well, Minny, we need you to calm down or we'll have to give you a shot for you to calm down. Which do you want? A needle or just to talk?"
"I just want to die -," Minny began.
"But we want to help you," interrupted Dr. King. "We want to help you feel better and get you back into school. We want you to see that there are positives in this world. If you work with us, we will let you have time with your mother. But we want to get you started on the ECT treatment before we go any further. That is how come tonight, Polly, the night nurse, with give you a sedative to help you calm down and sleep. And tomorrow, we will start the treatment. If you begin to forget things for a little while, don't worry because it happens to a lot of people. I will be the doctor in charge, and Dr. Heaton will be beside me the whole time. The reason why we need two doctors on hand is because we have never done an ECT on someone as young as you. In other words, you should feel special that you are getting this treatment. Well, we'll see you in the morning Minny." And with that Dr. King left. Jen turned to Minny:
"Minny, do you have any questions before I change shifts? Polly will be the night nurse and she will be looking after you." She paused for a second, and then continued, "We saved supper for you."
"Fuck you and fuck the god-damn world!"
Jen left and came back with Minny's pills. She handed Minny the paper cup.
"What are these green pills for? I know that the red ones are my mood stabilizers and the pink ones are my anti-depressants. But what the hell is that green one for?"
"Oh, Dr. King has put you on some relaxants for tomorrow's treatment. OK?"
"Yeah," and with that she took her pills. Jen made sure she took them and left. Jeff left at eight o'clock.
Minny went to bed and around ten; Polly came in and gave her a needle for tomorrow. She fell back to sleep right away.
Minny woke up at eight the next morning and she forgot where she was for a minute. But once she tried to sit up in bed and was restrained still from the night before, she knew exactly where she was. And her first thoughts were:
"Me, being the genie pig, to see if they can fry my brains. Yes, I understood that much. I can't believe that mom went along with them. And do I have a say? No. And I hate that. I hate being who I am."
Sarah, a nurse came in and saw that she was awake. She brought in a clean hospital gown and she said:
"OK, you have to change into this gown before you go up to the operating dayroom. There, they will put you on to a hospital gurney. Just follow what they say. Then they put on a blood pressure cuff around your arm. They will keep measuring your pressure through the whole procedure. They will put on you a heart monitor; to make sure nothing fails there. Then they will measure your head with a band with little electrodes on it. They will fasten the band to your head and you have to stay still. They will give you an anesthetic to put you to sleep. Once you are asleep, they will give you a shock through the band on your head. They will keep you in the room for about another ten minutes to make sure that you are OK. Then, they'll send you back here to sleep off the rest of the anesthetic. And that is it for today. Tomorrow, you will have another one in the morning as well. Then, they will be six more, over the next few weeks. In other words, you will be here for a few weeks, but not in this room. Do you understand?"
"I think so," Minny replied. She was actually quite scared. Minny thought for a minute, "What happens if it fails? Then, what? Am I dead? What?"
The weeks passed by and Minny continued to have ECT treatments. However, she is still feeling very down and she still wants to die.
Minny wrote in her journal, "I just hate my life and I don't want to be here anymore. In fact, tomorrow I have decided that I am going to run from this stinking hospital. I hate it here. There is no free will and I am constantly being watched. I just hate it. Also, I get my clothes back so that will be nice to get out of these hospital gowns."
Wendy glanced and walked through the door. Minny jumped up and ran to her.
"Mom, you came. I thought I would never see you again! I love you and I have missed you so much these past few weeks."
"I just had to see you," cried Wendy. "I have missed you so much and so does your brother."
"I've missed you too." Minny hugged her mother.
"How are you doing sweetie?" Wendy asked.
Minny hummed and said, "I am not doing the greatest. I still want to be dead. I just don't want to be here anymore, mom. I just want to die and end this misery I feel all the time."
"Please don't say that, Minny. You have so much to live for. You have your future to live for."
"I know, but you don't know the way that I am feeling. No one does. Not even the nurses and the doctors. They say they do, but I know that they don't. I know by the way they treat me."
"But you look so good. And I hear that you are eating and sleeping. That is a real first in a long time."
"The only reason why I am eating is because they put the food in front of me and they watch me. I am doing this to please the doctors. OK? The only reason why I am sleeping is because they drug me up so much that I can't stay awake," Minny replied. "Mom, I hate it here. I am always being watched and I can't do anything on my own. I just want to be at home."
"I know," Wendy said. "I am sorry but I have to go. The nurses only gave me five minutes to be with you. And by my watch it has been ten minutes already. I have to go." Kissing Minny on her forehead, she said, "I love you so much."
With that she turned and left the room. Minny tried to run after her but Nurse Warren caught her as she left her room.
"Goodbye mom," she whispered. "I miss you too and I do love you."
Warren sat Minny down on the hospital bed and asked, "So how was your visit with your mom?"
Minny flipped over onto her bed and started to cry. She didn't want to talk to him or to anyone else that was the hospital. She just wanted to be by herself.
"Leave me alone," she said.
"I can't do that though. I am here to stay for the next while. Besides in a few minutes you have a therapy session."
"Shove it!" Minny replied. She didn't want to do therapies again. It does no good anyway.
Minny opened her journal and began to write. She began to write how she was feeling and what had just happened with her mother.
Minny also wrote, "I don't want to see mom ever again because she is the one who put me into this hell-hole. I have no freedom here and I just want to get the heck out of here."
Warren came back into Minny's room and he gave her another one of those needles to calm her down. Two other security guards held her down, so Warren could give her that needle. She was given no other choice but to go along with it.
The needle took effect right away, and She began to follow orders again. A sitter was with her for the rest of the day and they did go to the therapy session.
In the therapy session they talked about how to positively deal with stress in their lives. Minny was not alone; there were several others there too.
Minny thanked the Lord because she knew that the medication would wear off by morning. The nurses gave back her clothes over the night and she was able to wake up to clothing sitting on the bed. She was glad because she knew that she would be able to follow through with her plan.
She was, also, able to have breakfast with all the other patients for the first time in three weeks. That felt really weird but nice. Also, she was able to go outside.
Minny noticed that when she was outside that there was a small gate that she could climb over to leave the unit. The nurses are way too busy with all the other patients they had to look out for, that they wouldn't even notice if she was gone. Minny knew that today would be the day.
Shortly after Minny was shown outside, the nurse let her to do her own things. She went outside and made sure that no one was looking, and climbed the gate. It was actually very easy because it was no higher than five feet. Minny is five feet ten inches tall and she played basketball, so the gate was not high at all for her.
She was out! She was out of the unit and the hospital and not even a soul noticed. The rest of today would be way too easy, she thought.
Minny started to walk. She went down to the river and dunked her feet in. The water was cool and refreshing. She knew she could go through with the rest of the day. For the rest of the day she walked around and enjoyed the sunshine. She was free! She was free to be herself! Something she hasn't felt in such a long time.
Minny walked to a train bridge and decided it was time to die. She walked onto the bridge and walked to the middle of it. She was just about to jump and when someone yelled up:
"Don't move. We have help coming for you."
Just then Minny heard sirens approaching. Someone had grabbed her from behind just as she was jumping. She ended up hitting her head on the bridge and was knocked unconscious.
The person who grabbed Minny was an off-duty police officer and he heard that she had ran from the Psychiatric Unit. He was on a lookout for her along with his fellow officer who had yelled up at Minny.
The police and the ambulance came, and took her to the Emergency Room. She was treated with a concussion and sent back to the Psychiatric Unit. Wendy was waiting there for when Minny woke up. She had tears in her eyes as she said:
"I honestly thought you were getting better, not worse. I am very disappointed in you. I thought you had grown up. I am sorry but I can't see you anymore right now."
Wendy left and Minny looked around at where she was. She was in a different part of the psychiatric unit, a part that she didn't know of.
Minny walked out of her room, shakily, into something like a TV room, but there were nurses looking out from a room with a window.
Minny went up to the window and asked, "Where am I?"
A nurse replied, "You are down in the lock up for us to keep a very close eye on you."
"Oh," Minny replied and sat down in front of the TV to watch whatever was on.
Minny looked around down in the lock up. There were eight rooms and another was the nurses' station. The place was dark and very dingy. There was no natural lighting coming from the outside. There weren't even windows. In each of the eight rooms, there were two beds and a shared bathroom between the two rooms. The doors to the rooms had windows to look in upon the different patients. And the doors were locked from the outside if the nurses thought that the patient would harm another patient. There were higher safety accommodations down in the lock up. There were restraints on every bed, in case; the nurses' had to restrain one of the patients.
Minny was down in lock up for almost three weeks and was not allowed to go anywhere. The doctor's were able to find a medication that worked for Minny and her mood. Minny doesn't remember even being upstairs, because of the shock treatments. Minny had twelve shock treatments all together.
During the fourth week being in the lock-up, Minny was allowed passes to go to the main cafeteria with a nurse. She was finally allowed to see some daylight again.
The nurses' were very pleased with Minny's progress and she was graduated back to the main part of the psychiatric unit. She was allowed to be a part of activities during the day with other patients. She was finally starting to feel human again.
After two months of being in the hospital, Wendy came and saw her daughter for the third time. She noticed a huge change in Minny's attitude and behavior.
Wendy said to Minny, "I am so glad you are feeling better and able to enjoy life again."
"Mom, the reason why I am feeling better is because I am so drugged up most of the time that I don't know what is real and what isn't anymore. Is that normal?"
"I really don't know honey. We should ask someone." Wendy turned to a nurse nearby and asked her.
"Over time she will get better. It just takes time," Jen said to Wendy.
Wendy relayed what she heard back to Minny what the nurse said. Minny felt really relieved at that.
Another month after, Minny was discharged and went home with her mother. Minny does not remember getting the ECT's. She even forgot how to operate a T.V. remote, never mind other things around the house. Wendy had to show her how to do simple things again. Minny felt really embarrassed about that.
When Minny came home she started to feel down again but she didn't want to tell anyone, because she didn't want to have shock treatments again. She kept that to herself. She thought that was a good idea.
When she did see Dr. Heaton after being discharged, she did tell him that she was starting to feel down. Dr. Heaton changed a few medications and that seemed to work.
Copyright 2002
I do not mind replies on my writing... miquie.geo[at]yahoo.com