my eating problems and behaviors

ok. i do something that i don't know if other people do it too. why do i always check on the size of myself in the mirror when i go to the washroom? i hate seeing my body the way it was, because i thought i was disappointing everyone because there was fat on me. mostly, it is from when i was younger and people like my dad, neighbors, brother and peers would say that i was fat. i would look at my peers and they'd mostly be skin and bones, very little muscle or fat (because they weren't developed yet), and i was already more developed than the rest of them and i had the beginnings of muscle forming. at one time i would look at myself in the mirror and wanted to see only thinnes. however, that never came to be. i always saw myself as fat. fat this and fat that. when i was told that i was fat, i would go to the mirror and look at myself as i started on a new diet. often the diet was eating less and less everyday. i'm ashamed i viewed myself this way and i still do ocassionally, a lot more recently than for a while.

then a few years ago, i did nothing but eat, eat, eat, and eat. i went to the exact opposite in my eating. i hated myself so much that i didn't care how big i got because i felt worthless, useless, and that no one honestly cared about me. i was so depressed and i didn't like myself in any way, shape or form.

more recently i've been doing my old habits again of restricting what i eat and looking in the mirror and seeing any flabb hanging out. my mom hasn't been helping me out either because she keeps commenting on my stomach and how it bludges out. however, it is a bit different this time. i am trying to see the toned look of my body, it is hard but i am trying to see that i am not fat like people used to say about me. it is very hard for me to accept my body this way because i still am striving to be thinner, eventhough everyone says i look healthy and that i don't need to lose any more weight. i am happy that i am beginning to see some bone structure again, because that means i am losing all the weight that i have gained before. i used to be happy when i weighed myself and i was in the double digits. now, i am beginning to realize that i am fine at whatever digits. what does count more importantly, is what is inside, inside of me! i am valued at any size i'm at, might that be thin, "healthy", or on the heavier side. i am valued for my personality and intelligence inside of me.

wow! i poured my heart out and it actually felt good. thank you for listening to me talk about some of my problems i am facing everyday of my life.

june 2004

my eating problem page (1)