Updates

Updated on January 11, 2000
My life has changed a lot. On November 1st, 1999, Edward J. W. proposed to me in front of our Tae Kwon Do class and I accepted the proposal. We are planning the wedding for February 3rd, 2001. Yes, that is over a year away. I am back into Tae Kwon Do with full force and I am enjoying it more and more each day. I am planning on going to a competition down in Columbus, Ohio, with my school. Ever since August, I have not been in the hospital at all, except to visit friends. And I love it. I hope you are all doing ok ...

Updated on May 6, 2000
I have moved into my own apartment with Edward and we are now living together. It is quite enjoyable. We have challenges but hey they are getting worked out right away inside of letting it all build up and eat at us. My mother is coming over today for the evening and we are going to listen to Sarah Stefanson play at Cafe Casa. She sings and plays the guitar. I just hope mom will like listening to Sarah play. It is quite a variety of music.

Updated on July 8, 2000
Well how am I doing now? Uh, I think I am doing good. No, actually I am doing very good and I am enjoying myself in my new living situation. I have been seeing more of my friends who I haven't seen for such a long time. I have been going out more and enjoying myself. My mom and I are going to work at a camp that I grew up going to and I know I am going to enjoy it. I, also, get to see my friend Kathy and see how she is doing because she is the camp director. I think that is totally cool and all of that. But a friend of mine is coming over and I better get off of this computer. This thing is almost growing out of my hands. I am doing good and I will talk to you soon again.

Updated on November 26, 2000
Hello I am back. Ok this is what is happenning, I left Edward my ex-fiance and I am doing ok, I guess. I am presently taking care of myself by not pushing myself beyond my limits and allowing me to sleep. Which is something that is much needed. So right now, I am in a house with another person I know and so far it is going good. This house is a quite a big house and it is beautiful on the inside. There is a hot tub here, but I haven't tried it yet, and I am presently sleeping on a waterbed. Actually the bed isn't as bad as I thought it would have been to sleep on.
I am writing still and I have joined a writer's group through the CMHA. It is actually quite interesting and I really enjoyed myself.I can't think of anything else to say, so I'll talk to you later.

updated on january 26, 2001
hello here i am again. i have been up to a lot. i am writing a lot more and i am really enjoying it again. i have missed it but i am gaining it all back. i am in karate still and i am liking it once again. by the way i have tried the hot tub and boy oh boy is it ever nice. i think anyone would really like it. i know i sure do. what else have i been up to? um, well writing at the writer's group at cmha and i am feeling very comfortable there. i am doing a job placement and a hospital and i will be following a nurse around for six weeks and see what a life is like for a few hours a week. so i am really looking forword to it. my mind just went blank in spelling so ignore any miss-spelled words. ok maybe i should go to bed. BUT i want to wish everyone a happy new year, of any sorts!

updated on May 16, 2001
well i have moved AGAIN. yes i have moved once again, but this time it is just for the summer and i have moved to my mom's. i am trying to find work and i think i might have something with 7-11. so that would be nice, but i am not absolutely sure yet. in the next day or two, i hope to find out if i have been accepted into the College of Nursing. but i have to wait. i put my application in on Jan 3/01 and i have been waiting ever since. it is kinda nerve wrecking not knowing but i will find out soon. i hope. what else have i been doing? a variety of things:

• i got my driver's license in April
• been visiting friends in the city
• seeing my gramma and grampa. gramma fell and broke her hip and we have been seeing her and grampa a lot more now.
• working outside in the garden beds and with the lawn
• walking and reading
• being on the 'Net
• working
• and a bunch of other jobs

updated on July 26, 2001
ok this is what happened to me: i was in the hospital for 61 days and i just got out as of yesterday. i was in because of my depression. the meds were not working til i found a new one. so it feels really nice to be back on the computer again. i have missed it a lot over these last few weeks. actually it drove me crazy not being able to check my email. and i had a lot of emails to read too. in fact there were about a 120 emails i had to do a quick look through. other than that i am not doing much really. i am taking it really easy for the next few days but i will be back at my old routine very soon.

updated on June 13 & 28, 2002
ok you are probably wondering what had happened to me...i was admitted to the hospital another two times and this last time i recieved ECT's (shock therapy). i am doing better but i have been dealing with a lot of memories recently. i have missed working on the computer and it is nice to be back at it again and receiving emails once again. (**sorry to all of those who i have taken a long time to get back to**) not much else is happening except that i was not accepted into the nursing program this year, but i am trying other methods of getting in. i am thinking of doing a LPN course by correspondence or in other words, distance-education. i am also seeing a great new counsellor and he is soooooo understanding that it is great. i am able to talk to him about a lot of different problems i am having at different points in my life. i am also in a support group for those who have DID (dissociative identity disorder), and i am feeling really supported by them. i am helping mom out a lot around the house when i go out there for weekends. (mom lives in another town, whereas i live in the city.) anyways, not much else is happening, so i will talk to you later . . .

updated on June 1, 2003
i was hospitalized in october 2002 until december 2002. i was very suicidal and almost jumped off the bridge a few times. i didn't like the hospital but it was there for a reason...to get better. i decided to stay in the residence at tamara's house when the res. opened. i stayed for two weeks in february / march. it was nice and it helped me to heal alot from the abuse. thank you for tamara's house. after the residence i continued to come to the drop in a lot and talk with those who understand me. i have created more friends now that the residence is open. i am continueing to see my therapist and he is helping sooooo much. i am taking a class by correspondence, the LPN course, and my first two classes i have recieved over 90% on both of them. anyways, not much else is happening . . .

updated on june 27, 2004
umm, what have i been up to... well i have been in the hospital twice and i wasn't proud of them either. i was in in nov 2003 and in april 2004. but they have helped me. both were less than a month and that is short for me. i have been in a writer's workshop and i have grown leaps and bounds from putting my heart into it. doors were opened that i didn't need to be opened until i started writing full force. i became friends the facilitator and she asked me if i would be willing to do some art for her book, along with a cover. i was taken aback but honoured at the same time. so i have been busy drawing along with writing. my eating problem is starting to rise up again, but this time i am facing it and working on the problems around it. i have very supportive people around me and they have been helping me out tremendously. i had to withdraw from my LPN course for the time being because of my depression, but i have a time limit of five years to start the program again. that's about it for now and i will update again when something arises.

updated on jan5, 2005
well, how have i been. i've been in the hospital another time but it wan only for a week. that was actually quite nice to have it short. i am still feeling down but i am hanging in. i have started an online journal and it is nice to just vent, no matter what anyone else thinks. my eating has not been good at all, but i guess that is life. i do try to eat a little something everyday and that is the main thing. i am scared about going to bridgepoint (BP) for my eating. i am afraid that i won't be connecting with anyone while i am there. but first i have to be confirmed in going and i don't know that. BP's orientation starts in less than a week and the main module starts in just over 2 weeks. i want to work on my eating and i want to be able to conquer over it. i know it is going to take time and patience, but i can and will acheive it. that is it for now. so i will talk to you later...

updated on aug 26, 2005
first of all, i don't know what to say, so i am going to ramble and see what comes out of my fingertips and my mind ...

• i moved out on my own and into a house with a dear, sweet friend who i can say is my soulmate. i haven't come out to my mom yet (she is a mennonite afterall) but i will. and it is going to go something like ... i am attracted to women and i know that i am a lesbian. i don't know how well that will go over, but i do want to tell her sometime in the near future. her name is c.s and i know that i love her. this time i know i have feelings for her like i never have before. she listens to me openly and doesn't judge, which is what we need. in fact, everyone inside seems to like her (as far as i know). so that is good and no one has told me other wise, so it must be ok.
• c.s has her dog, frankie, here and we love him. he is so gentle and understanding. and loves to play. which is great. here is such a cute pic and i had to share it with you all:
  
  i hope you all enjoyed it. doesn't he just want to make you SMILE!!!
• i have been back to a out-patient day program for those with mental health illnesses (M) and it has been going good. i have been attending regularly and i know that has been helping to get me get up and get going, especially on days that it is so dark and dreary to me. in other words, my depression. yes that is hitting me again, but i am fighting it. i DO NOT want to end back in the hospital. i want to have a life and get somewhere in my life and if i go back to the hospital, that just hampers it. M is helping me and that is good.
• i still have that online journal and it is nice to be able to express myself freely and still get comments and encouragements.
• i did go to the orientation at BP, and i did go for the 21-day module. it was really good, tiring, but good. i got a lot out of it and i know i have to take care of myself at the same time while dealing with ED. i have created friendships and i know that we can help each other overcome one another's ED through support and love. i, then went to a BP retreat in june, and i brought c.s with me. i am glad i was able to introduce her to BP as it is the only "residence" eating disorder clinic in SK. and the funding could be reduced at anytime. which is really sad.
• i haven't been to TH for 2 months and i really don't want to right now. it is too depressing for me and i want to get on with my life. i am tired of being stuck in my past, if that is even possible to ever be away from your own past.
• c.s and i started a peer-run, self-help support group called "stand by you" and it is for men and women who are 18 years of age (or older) who are dealing with an eating disorder and / or self-injury. i asked my therapist if there ever has been a support group for those dealing with self-injury and he said ... NO. and he thinks it is a good thing too that we have started one.

so i will go, but i want you to all know to take care of yourselves because you are important to me. talk to you later ...

i am still here. i ended up being in the hospital for 2 weeks. but i hanged in and i am still going. i am still attending McK that i started in april 2005 and it is ok. the groups that i am a part of are now being cut back. i don't mind and that shows that i am ready to move on and may be get into Lifeskills through the CMHA. i have been a part of lifeskills before and may be this time i would get more out of it. i don't know, but i sure hope so.

i am still doubting myself with every move i am making through out the whole day. but i am glad i did something ... i started back in TKD but this time it is with the International Taekwon-do Federation (ITF). last time i was in TKD, it was with the World Taekwondo Federation (WTF). so this time i begin at white belt again, which is fine with me. i have actually learned more and better techniques to doing things, like kicks and defending myself. i have already tested for my yellow stripe and i got it. but while we were there we got to watch a redbelt with black stripe testing for black belt and a black belt tested for 2nd dan. it was all very interesting. whereas with the WTF we never got to watch those above / below us for testings and to see how they did. so this was a great learning experience and i want to go further in TKD. i had an advantage over other white belts ... i have tested before and i did know a lot more of TKD theory than others. i did good and i am glad.

heather and i have added another part to our family ... we got another dog. her name is madison (maddie for short) and she is a rottweiller - hound cross.


she is beautiful and we got her through New Hope Dog Rescue. the dogs there are taken into families until they can be adopted out to the appropriate family / household. and heather and i are wanting to get married before steven harper gets his way and dismolish the C-38 bill that was passed that would allow same sex marriages. we find out on monday who our new prime minster will be ... i hope it won't be harper. he is NOT right for our country and to represent us. anyways, enough politics ...

i have made a bigger and better connection with the 'butterfly girls' who i have met through BP and xanga. here are the links to their xanga journals if you want to find out more about them. i live with ceilingscar, and have made a super strong connection with hidingplace and tearbox. in the end of nov 2005, sleepy_girl3 was sent to Ramuda and she didn't want to go. she pleaded not to go and her family and church wouldn't listen to her. i am sooooooooooo angry at them for not listening to sleepy_girl3. don't they realize that she didn't want that help and in that way. i am so frustrated at her family. i hope she comes back safely and knows that we are thinking of her immensly. and if you want to see my xanga - miquie

take care and know that i am thinking of you all. i will try to update soon, i just don't know when. but in the meantime, take care and try to be strong through all of this ...

i am here. i am fighting depression and i hate having to fight it so. i wish most days i could curl up and not see another day ... but i would be deserting more than just myself. i would be deserting all those who love me and our babies (puppies). so in other words i am barely hanging in. be just thankful of that. if it wasn't for the butterfly girls, my love and our babies i don't think i would be here fighting at all. i'll try to up date more later ... further updated on may 31/06 ... i am still not doing good. in fact i am quite depressed and i can't seem to 'snap' out of it. i have been fighting this depression for too long and i am still getting nowhere. i was supposed to see my psychiatrist 2 weeks ago, but she had to say that she couldn't come, because earlier in the afternoon she was attacked by an inpatient of hers. i guess she is ok and all, but i am still down. in fact, i am doing awful and i have been seeing her resident. the resident is nice but i prefer my psychiatrist. i have been finding it very hard to attend anything. i have been missing so much right now. i just can't seem to ... focus. nevermind that ... exist. so i am still here and i might update more later ... i don't know. i am just not doing that well ...

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