~this image is to represent possibly triggering pages. take care of yourself as you look through these pages ~The Mystery of Life
By Diana
Tina was in grade twelve and she was interested to go in to Nursing College after graduation. Tina was interested in many different kind of sports, such as a martial art called Tae Kwon Do, hockey, skiing, and baseball. Tina was very creative with her hands, creating things like water-color paintings, wheat weavings, photography, and she always listened to exotic muicc.
Tina met Pam in the hospital when both were in for pnemonia. Pam was in grade ten and was new to the town of Seadale. Pam never did any sports because she always grew up with the thought that sports were only for boys.
Pam and Tina were not allowed to leave the hospital for a couple of weeks, so they hung around each other a lot. Pam tried to do some things with Tina, in the sports sense of doing things together. but Pam was frustrated at herself. Pam did not understand that working together meant trying things for the first time with an open mind.
Tina asked one day, "Pam, do you want to try a sport that you do at your own pace?"
"A sport at my own pace? What do you mean by that?" asked Pam.
"I mean a sport that you learn with an instructor but you won't be pushed."
"A sport that I won't be pushed? Umm, that sounds really different," Pam paused for a second, then said, "Sure. What is it?" Pam was really interested and she leaned in to hear what Tina had to say.
"Well, this is a different sport and it is a martial art called ---"
"Whoa, you didn't say martial art? Because martial arts cause so many fights," interrupted Pam.
"Pam, hold on a sec," said Tina, trying to calm her down. She goes on, "It's called Tae Kwon Do and in this sport, you end up looking inwardly to your soul. And you find out what you really believe in and the kind of strength you really do have. Also, you learn to have respect for yourself and others."
"But don't you fight?" asked a puzzled Pam.
"Oh, no, no, no. instead of fighting, we learn self-defense techniques and patterns to protect ourselves in case of a fight. We try to prevent fights by walking away or talking to that person or persons. If that doesn't work, we engage in a fight using minimal force to the person"
"That sounds different. Can I just come to watch a class?" asked Pam. "Sure. The next class I am allowed to go to is in a week," said Tina.
Tina was released a day later to go home to her family and Pam was released in time for her to go to Tina's Tae Kwon Do class. Pam was able to watch it and said that she would try Tae Kwon Do for a while.
Pam and Tina started to get close to one another when Tina asked Pam a question about life and depression.
Pam responded, "I really don't want to live and be a part of this world anymore All I see is bad things happening all around me. I can't seem to be seeing anything positive in myself or what I do to help others."
"I have another question. H-h-have you," stuttered Tina, "have you ever thought about suicide?"
"Yeah, I have, but I don't want anyone else to know that I see no point in living."
"Will you promise me something?" asked Tina.
"What?" Pam said. She waited for a response, then asked, "What is it, Tina?"
"Well, you know that we have been getting really close and talking about all different things. Right?" Tina did not wait for a response and continued on, "Pam, don't want to lose you. I don't want to see you go and leave me alone in this world. Pam do you promise?"
"Tina, you know that I can't promise," Pam responded. "Because each time I promise, I fail and you know that too. But I will try to promise. You know that I really do care about you and pray for you when you are having problems. You are making me concerned and it is all about you. Can you tell me what is bothering you?"
"It's nothing. I was just worried about you. My heart would break if you left me all alone."
Pam and Tina talked on the phone quite a bit about life and what they could do to make life better. They bounced ideas off of one another until they made a promise to one another that they would look for the good in life. Along with the promise, they decided to help each other when they feel bad.
From Tae Kwon Do, they found out that they respected each other and all the others around them who help them. Also, they have found out not to take life for granted because not everyone is as fortune as they are. Life should be precious for everyone and treasure all things, especially the love they receive from others.
One day, Tina was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. Pam found out after she tried to call Tina at home. Tina's parents told Pam where she was in the hospital. Pam left her home and rushed to the hospital as fast as she could on her bike.
Pam found Tina's room and went in. Tina was crying and Pam asked:
"What's wrong, Tina?"
"You want to know? Well it's my life," Tina responded, turning away. "I am certified for twenty-one days. That means I can't leave the ward. Which sucks. Then, on top of it all, I have a degenerative bone disease in which there is no cure. in other words, I can't do anything any more where there is a chance that I'll have a broken bone. I might as well be dead. And Pam, I will kill myself one way or another."
"Tina no don't say that. Please don't," cried out Pam. Tina and Pam cried on the floor and hugged each other. "Tina, do you remember our promise to look for the good and help one another?"
She shook her head.
"Well, I can see you working with all kinds of crafts, can you?"
Again, Tina shook her head and said, "I won't be able to do anything. I mean, no more sports. And I won't be able to go into nursing because I want to work with the elderly. I won't be able to do anything."
"There must be something, though," said Pam.
"No, no there isn't," Tina replied. A nurse opened the door to see how Tina was doing. She said to Pam:
"Excuse me, but you have to go because you are making Tina upset." She opened the door and pointed Pam out the door.
"Can't I just stay and come back in a few minutes?" asked Pam.
The nurse replied, "No, and don't come for a few days until we get Tina calmed down."
"Well, how will I know?"
"Just call in a few days." Pam left feeling discouraged that she would not be able to help Tina out.
Pam did not call for a week or so, but decided to go back to the hospital and see Tina. Pam went to Tina's room, but Tina was not there. Pam went to the nurse's station:
"Excuse me, but do you know where Tina is?"
A nurse replied, "Yes, she is in ICU. Please go to the main desk to find out the exact room."
Pam left and found out where Tina was in the Intensive Care Unit. Pam met Tina's mother, Sandi, sitting at Tina's side.
Pam asked, "What happened?"
"Pam, sit down please." Pam sat down and Sandi continued, "Tina became allergic to a drug she was given and now she is in a coma. The doctor told me there is a very little chance that Tina will live for another twenty-four hours. He, also, said that if she lives longer and wakes up, there is a ninety-nine point nine percent that she will have brain damage. I asked the doctor and the staff not to revive her if her heart stops. I want my baby to die in peace and not to suffer anymore." By this point, Pam was crying along with Sandi.
"But she is my only and best friend I have. How am I supposed to go on without her?" asked Pam. Pam stayed in the room with Sandi and Tina for another hour. Pam had to leave and go home for supper, but before she left, Sandi said:
"I will call you tomorrow and tell you what is all up. okay?"
Pam nodded and left for home. When she got home, her mother, Fran, said:
"How are you sweetie?"
"Mom, things aren't going good with Tina. She is in the ICU and she could die at any point tonight or tomorrow. I don't want her to go because she is my only friend I have and I don't want to lose her. She means the life to me."
"Sweetie, don't say that. So many people care about you and love you. I am sure they wouldn't want you to leave the world too," Fran replied.
"But mom, I love her. I know that may sound funny but it is so true to me," replied Pam turning away and ran to her room.
"Supper will be in ten minutes, Pam."
"Okay."
The next day, Pam did not receive a call from Sandi about how Tina was doing. Pam decided to call the hospital and find out why Sandi did not call.
"I am sorry, but you have to call her at her home," replied a nurse when Pam called.
Pam decided to call Sandi. The phone rang and Sandi picked up the other end of the phone.
"Hello?" said Sandi.
"Hi, Sandi, this is Pam. I was just wondering how Tina is doing."
"Well, she didn't even make it through the night. She passed away shortly after you left last night. I am sorry, Pam. I know you cared a lot about her."
"No. No. No, that can't be. I love her. Why did she leave me alone in this world?" asked Pam.
"Well, Pam, Tina will be looking over you and still cares for you. She is in a place where she is loved and feels no pain. Besides, she is in a place where the Lord holds her and loves her."
"Thank you, Sandi, for telling me." Pam hung up the phone and turned over in her bed. She grabbed a kleenex and started to cry.
Fran knocked at the door and went into Pam's room. She said, "What is the matter, Pam?"
"Well, Tina left me," replied Pam, turning to Fran. "Why did she leave me? Why mom? Why?"
"I really don't know, sweetie. But she is in God's arms now and does not feel any hurt or pain anymore."
"Mom, that doesn't help me. I just want to be left alone for a while."
"Okay, but you know that I love you and you can talk to me at anytime. Okay?" Pam nodded her head and turned away. Fran left her alone for the rest of the night.
Pam did not talk to anyone until Tina's funeral. Pam felt really hurt that no one was concerned about her and how Tina's death affected her. Pam felt really alone and she did not want to go to Tina's funeral. Fran pushed her to attend it.
At the funeral, there were Tina's classmates from Seadale High School, the Tae Kwon Do instructor, the church's youth class, Tina's entire family and Pam. Pam felt out of place and she wanted the funeral to be over as quickly as possible. She stayed for the fellowship afterwards and talked to the family and to the Tae Kwon Do instructor.
"If you feel you need a break from Tae Kwon Do, go ahead," said the Tae Kwon Do instructor.
"Thank you, Sir," replied Pam. After speaking to the instructor, Pam left and ran home.
A couple of weeks later, the Tae Kwon Do instructor called and asked Pam:
"When can I expect you to return to class?"
"I'll come tonight, and I want to give you something, too," replied Pam. Pam got to the gym, just before the instructor. She had her uniform in her hands:
"Sir, I am sorry but I can not attend the class anymore. Also, I want to return my uniform because I feel like I don't deserve to come to class anymore. Tina was the one who introduced me to Tae Kwon Do, and I can't continue without her."
"But," replied the instructor, "you can, Pam. You have the strength in you to continue and being strong about Tina's death. You can stop coming if you want to and the door will always be open for you to come back." He handed the uniform back to Pam, "I want you to keep the uniform. That way you have it when you want to come back to class."
Pam bowed and said thank you to the instructor. With that she left, and she felt she did not need to ever come back to the class.
Fran wondered why her daughter was back from class so early in the evening.
"Mom, I quit class. I can't handle the idea that Tina introduced Tae Kwon Do to me and now she is gone forever," replied an angry Pam.
"But sweetie, what are you going to do with your time you have now?"
"I don't know, but I'll find something for me to do." With that, Pam ran to her room and cried some more.
Pam started to think about death and committing suicide, so she could be with Tina in Heaven. She thought of different ways to commit suicide, including cutting, hanging, soffocating, jumping, overdosing on drugs, and getting seriously hurt where no one will see her as being injured.
Pam had gone to the river many times about what to do with her life and she decided on a day two months after Tina's death. She decided to wait until Christmas to talk to a cousin and see what her cousin thought of the idea that Pam had.
Christmas time. Pam asked Char, her cousin, to come to her room and talked. "Char, can I have your opinion on something?"
Char nodded.
"Char, you know that I have been thinking about death a lot, and that life is not worth living for, right?" Pam continued, not wanting a response, "Anyways, I have decided on the time and the day that I will die. But I will not tell you the time or day because you will tell someone and I'll be put into the hospital. Also, I have decided where I am going to die, and I want you to sign my unofficial will stating where my belongings will go to. Okay?"
"Yeah, I guess, but what is this about a will?" Pam handed Char a paper saying;
I, Pam, want my organ to be transplanted to someone who needs them more than myself. All of my clothing I want donated to the Salvation Army. My pictures I want my family to have along with my art. However, I want Char to have the pick of my art to have for herself
I want my funeral to appreciate my life and all of my accomplishments. I want all of those who knew me at one point or another to attend my funeral.
I am going to Heaven, a place free of pain and hurt. Also, I am being taking care of by the Lord and my best friend, Tina, and dad. I am with the Lord for eternity and beyond. I'll always be looking over my family and friends.
This will is "short and sweet, "but to the point, I hope.
Char signed and so did Pam. The will was also dated.
"Thank you, Char," replied Pam.
Char nodded and hugged Pam. Char never did tell anyone about Pam's plans and the will she signed for Pam.
A week later, Pam committed suicide by going to the railroad tracks, a good distance from Seadale. Pam was found by a search team looking for her a few days later. Pam died from exposure to the elements, severe bleeding and shock.
Her will was looked at as being legal, because of the double signatures and being dated. Char and Pam were both underage, but Fran wanted Pam's wishes to be fulfilled as soon as they could be. However. some of her organs were not abled to be transplanted because the lack of blood and oxygen to some of them.
© June 1999
Copyright 1999
I highly recommend replies.