disordered perception

i'm moving forward from you
you have only held me back
you didn't allow me to explore
and be who i am.
you consumed my every thought
of every waking moment
to the dark depths of night
i couldn't get you off my mind.
i would go to the new scale i got
and be really angry
as you showed the weight
i threw the scale out.
i would look at the body
and be disgusted at you
i broke another mirror.
my eating is affected by you
as i won't eat that much
for i am disgusted at you.
sometimes i starve myself
for days on end
then I'd go on binging spurts
and then hate myself.
i'm trying to accept the body
but you keep getting in the way.
i kick you out of my way
you come back full force.
you have haunted me in the past
but i'm moving forward without you.
i will win over you
as you are my
disordered perception
of my own body.
june 2004
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