splitting

i scream outloud
don't!
stop!
why won't you listen?
your hand goes over my mouth
'causing my yelling to be muffled.
i scream in my head
don't!
stop!
no!
i should just die
then i wouldn't feel.
in my mind
i curl up into the fetal position
and i fade away.
i don't feel the pain and agony
i feel free!
is this how it feels
when someone dies?
i must be dead.
but i look around
i see myself
tied up
naked
and you are laughing
as you put the knife to my skin
i don't feel the cool blade
am i really dead?
after the ordeal,
i feel the pain and cuts.
i know i am not dead.
what is really going on?
i must've splitted from my body
this happens everytime
i know it's a coping mechanism
and it is an ok one.

mar 2004