~this image is to represent possibly triggering pages. take care of yourself as you look through these pages ~A Painful Life
Dee, short for Sandee, is twenty and she has just entered college. When she was born, her mother did not want her so she was adopted into this family, Sonje. When she was seven or so the Sonje's didn't want her because she was a very moody child, so she went to a foster home. From the age of seven to sixteen, she went from foster home to foster home. She soon began to live out of her suitcases because she was moved about, oh so much. Dee's social worker thought there was something wrong with her. She kept that a secret from her social worker and she still doesn't talk about it much. Anyways, when she was sixteen, Dee said, "Screw this system." and she walked out on her social worker. She moved to another city, Toronto, and she has been there since.
Dee was in her first year of college, when she began to have flashbacks from her past. At first, the flashbacks were very simple:
I see the Sonje's around me and laughing at me.
Dee doesn't understand what is going on. She has slowly become confused about her past. She thought the Sonje's were a loving family who cared about her:
I don't understand, I thought they love me. They must love me, they must be laughing at something I was holding. But, look at me, I am naked. What is happening to me? Why aren't they helping me?
The Sonje's had three sons, Tom, sixteen, Jerry, fourteen, and Pete, thirteen. Dee was slowly remembering more:
Tom is holding my underwear. But why is he holing my undies? Aren't they mine?
Dee doesn't understand what went on in her own past. Dee wasn't doing as good in school as she thought she was so she dropped out and found work. But the flashbacks kept coming back to her more often than before.
Then, one night, she had one of many flashbacks to come back to her:
Papa came into my room. He told me to have a good night. He came over and wispered in my ear, "Sweetie, Papa's gotta work tomorrow so be very quiet tonight. Ok?"
I nodded and said I would be very quiet. Papa left to go to bed. Tommy came into my room. He didn't knock, he just came in. I was undressing at this time. Tommy came over to me and told me to be quiet.
He said, "I love you Dee and I am doing this because I love you and you are my sister. You need to know what young girls are for." With that he came over and hugged me. He picked me up and carried me downstairs into the basement. Jerry was there. Tom took me over to the sofa bed and put me down. Tom came close to me and began hugging me. Jerry grabbed my hands and tied them around Tom. Tom began to touch me in my private parts ...
Dee stood up and felt extremely painful. She didn't want to know what the past held. Dee got dressed and went outside. It was after midnight but Dee started to run. She ran and ran. Eventually, she came to a bridge. She looked over the edge and the water was like crystal.
"I will kill myself tonight," Dee said to herself. Dee got on to the handrail, she looked down into the water and said, "Good bye world," and with that, she jumped.
When Dee hit the water she wasn't sure if death was overcoming her or if it was the cold water that hit her suddenly. She wasn't in the water for that long when a person spotted her going down. This person ran to the phone and called 911.
Dee heard sirens coming and then she blacked out. The earth and water rescue were called in and they were able to get Dee out of the water. At this point Dee was not conscious but she was still breathing. Dee was taken to the hospital.
Dee woke up in the hospital. The nurse asked her if she knew where she was and Dee shook her head. The nurse said, "A person found you going down in the river and he called 911. Right now you are in the hospital."
I don't want to be here, I want to be dead. Dee thought to herself.
Dee had to spend another day at the hospital to make sure she was alright. While Dee was at the hospital, she had another flashback:
... Tom looked at me and said, "I love you oh so much, Sandee." He undressed me and himself, he ended up hurting me badly. Tom got off of me. I am bleeding. I see the blood on the sofa bed. Mama and Papa won't like this. They already don't like me. Why is Tom hurting me? Why is Jerry helping him? Jerry got on to me and did the same thing Tom did. He hurt me too.
Dee couldn't believe it. Tom and Jerry raped her. Dee got out of bed and got dressed. She left the hospital. She went to the bridge again. Dee heard the sirens from a vehicle and she got scared. She was scared because she left he hospital when she wasn't supposed to have. Dee went over the handrail of the bridge again. This time she didn't struggle against the current. Dee was taken downstream.
A police officer was driving along the bridge when he saw Dee jump the rail into the river. He called the fire squad and they came to the river again. The police officer was down by the river and was running after Dee when the fire squad came.
Eventually the fire squad was able to catch Dee. There was an ambulance waiting for her on the bank and the ambulance took her back to the hospital.
When Dee came in, the doctors and nurses were surprised. They thought Dee was still in her room. Dee was in the hospital for another day before she woke up. Dee didn't understand what was going on.
Dee was told that a psychiatrist was coming down to see her. Dee didn't think anything was wrong with her, except all these flashbacks coming to her and she didn't know why.
A psychiatrist came and they talked. Dee told her about the flashbacks she was getting. The psychiatrist listened and took notes. When the psychiatrist left, Dee felt overwhelmed. The psychiatrist told the doctors that Dee was not able to go to her home for a while and should be admitted into the hospital. Preferably a place where she will be looked after to keep from running out.
Dee was taken to the Psych Ward and was admitted there. Dee was put on to drugs to numb her mind and her brain. Dee spent three months in the Psych Ward.
When Dee came out of the hospital, she was referred to a counsellor named Shelly Babs. Shelly has experience with people who have been abused and with those who have attempted suicide. Shelly is a good listener and will listen anytime, night or day.
Dee saw Shelly first thing when she came out. Dee went to Shelly's office and Shelly and Dee met for the first time outside the hospital setting. Dee likes Shelly because she is willing to listen and to tells Dee it is ok to scream. Dee doesn't have that many friends in Toronto, so Shelly decided to get Dee to meet some of her older clients, who are around Dee's age.
Dee first met Wilma with Shelly. Shelly said, "Wilma is twenty-two and has been seeing me for three years. Wilma was abused by her father when she was six until ten years of age." Wilma and Dee shook hands. Dee wanted to talk to someone her own age but she didn't have much courage.
Dee was also introduced to Stacy, Karen and Mikki. Dee was slowly making friends and she didn't feel as suicidal as before. Dee began to talk with these women and soon they all became friends to Dee.
After three months or so, Dee had another flashback while she was waiting to meet Mikki to have coffee:
I tried to tell mama and papa about what Tom and Jerry did, but all they did was laugh at me. They told me to stop lying. I kept telling them what Tom and Jerry did. One day, I told them again and they said to me that I am not a part of the family. They told me I am not their foster daughter anymore and that a social worker was coming to pick me up that evening. I didn't want to leave because that was the only home I knew of.
Later that night, the social worker came and as I was on my way out the door, the Sonje's told me, "Your own mother didn't even wanted you. That should say something about the kind of a person you will become. -- A loner, a nobody, a loser!" And they were laughing at me when I left the home.
Dee met up with Mikki for coffee and they sat down to have some coffee. Dee decided not to tell Mikki what she just remembered. Dee was talking to Mikki about the times she attempted suicide and Mikki replied:
"When I was seven I first attempted suicide with a drug overdose. My mom found me on the floor with pills all around me. She took me to the hospital and they had to pump my stomach out."
"My God, you were only seven?"
"Yeah, only seven. Then I attempted again when I was twelve, fifteen and eighteen. When I was eighteen, the doctors put me into the Psych Ward, like you. That is where I met Shelly and that was a year ago."
"Do you ever think about suicide?"
"You promise not to tell anyone?"
"Yeah, I promise."
"I think about suicide and death constantly, but I don't tell Shelly because I am afraid I will be put back into the Psych Ward, if I do tell her. What about you?"
"Yeah, I also think about death. I think about it every night and I just hope that I never, ever wake up. I hated that Psych Ward. It stunk. Do you want to come over to my place and talk some more?"
"Yeah, let's do that. Right now I feel like everyone is listening in on our conversation," replied Mikki. Mikki and Dee paid for their coffees and started off towards Dee's place.
Dee said, "I have to drop in to the liquor store for a minute and get some beer. Do you want any?"
"No thanks."
Dee went in and got some beer. She came back out with a case of beer. They continued on to Dee's place. When they got to the apartment, Dee put the beer into the fridge.
Mikki and Dee sat down on the couch and began to talk some more.
Dee said, "Yeah, I think about death constantly. Right now I am surprised I am still alive. I always want to act on my urges to kill myself."
"I have a question."
"Yeah, what is it?"
"Do you want to die alone or die with someone next to you?"
"I would like to die with someone. Why?"
"I was just wondering, because I would like to die with someone too."
They talked some more and Dee decided to bring out the beer. She also brought out a bottle of pills and a knife. "What do you want to use first?"
Mikki replied, "How about if we become blood sisters first?"
"Sure."
Mikki cut her wrist first and then Dee. They rubbed their bleeding wrists together. Dee said, "We are blood sisters for life and all of afterlife."
They took the pills and the beer. They both died.
The next day, Dee was supposed to have met Shelly for an appointment. Shelly called after an hour of waiting for Dee. But there was no answer. Shelly decided to go over to Dee's place. Shelly knocked on the door. She had this bad feeling that something awful happened. Shelly had a key. She opened the door . . .
There was Dee and Mikki on the floor. "Oh my God," replied Shelly in horror. After Shelly regained herself, she went over to the phone and called the ambulance.
The ambulance attendents came and they pronounced Dee and Mikki dead. They took Dee and Mikki to the hospital for further examination.
Shelly arranged a very small funeral for the two young women.
If you are thinking of suicide or death, please talk to someone. There are helplines for free of charge in your community, or there is a forum for young people to talk to others on the 'Net: KidsHelp Phone Online or call 1-800-668-6868. Get the support because no one deserves to die.
I do not mind replies on my writing.
miquie.geo[at]yahoo.com